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its Just me & my thOughts.. walking Side by side.. on the Sandy beach.

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SeEking my Polaris

Thursday, August 31, 2006
The Break Up
This is the place that I will be heading to for my expedition trip in Nov. Tak Province in Northern Thailand. Nice, nice, nice! Wow.. I didn’t know it looks so amazing, wish I could have more days for R&R. I think I will enjoy being alone for some time.

Watched The Break Up, pretty thought-provoking, as the quarrels between the couples are well.. so typical, its all about communication, respecting each other’s personal space & most of all, love. Good show, but kinda stressful to watch if you just had a big fight with your love one, a lot of arguing scenes that couples can certainly identity with!

Why did two person cross paths and decide to become lovers, we normally credit it to a thing call ‘fate’. Actually when two people broke up, it is also ‘fate’. At the least, you have tried your best and given your all. What are left shouldn’t be any regrets. Just memories are that irreplaceable. Most of the time, we walked one full circle, to realize what we have lost isn’t just time, but also a love that has tarnished with too many hurts being built up. Some are intentional and some are unintentional.. I fully understand when Anniston walked away from the relationship in the end. Both of them lived pretty good lifes being on their own again, and whos to say, they will not start dating again if it was reality?!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006
toe nail
That day my poor toe was stepped on by someone in crowded Orchard Road.
I think that someone was wearing heels.
I felt a sharp pain but I ignored it.
When I went home, I saw blood on my shoes, and my fourth toe was covered in blood.
I showed my mum and she shrieked, your nail came out!

Huh..!! I didn’t know my threshold of pain is that high leh.

Then today I look at the fourth toe, and ripped out whats left of the nail.
Wanted to encourage the new growth ma.
Strangely, the pain is minimal.

Maybe next time I no afraid of child birth hor? Haha..
Saturday, August 26, 2006
most of the time, i would be led to think that being in a relationship is a blessing. by damn movie films, romance books,love songs & what have you.

but deep dOwn, i know what the truth is like for me.
probably i dont really know how to communicate w the person supposedly to be the closest to me. i dunno how to put my thoughts n feelngs into words aptly.
and sometimes, these inadequacies float up so evidently.
i felt crippled by my inability.

a good dinner turned into a cold war
a good intention outing turned into a thunderstorm
we felt shortchanged; misunderstood; uncared for.
and i dunno how to articulate, i just clamped up.
no, i dun purposely give the silent treatment,
its just, i really dunno what to say
hate to aggrevate the situation and embarrassed myself

and i just wanna walk away from it all.. let the wind clear my thoughts.
when im alone i feel in control of my emotions.. and not vulnerable like shite now.

maybe i just too good at being by myself
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
sianz mood
This is one of those days, I feel terrible about myself.
Its seemed all that i am.. is worth nothing.
Nothing bad happened, im not sure why I feel this way,
since I woke up early in the morning.

I felt like, I didn’t want to go through one more day like this anymore.

Have you watched ‘Click’? maybe one fine day, when im old n sick, I will think back and kicked myself for not being happier, not making this life more meaningful in every way.

Learning the keyboard will set me back about $800. Thats a trip to Beijing or Korea or Aust. Should I go for it? Im so afraid of giving up half way leh. sighz.
Monday, August 21, 2006
just cards
Wow.. everywhere I go, HSBC has a 10% discount!
Even to ulu [read: infamous outlets, you patronize it because of convenience] pubs & restaurants! So, that's another money saving scheme ya.

Oh ya, do not convert your ATM cards onto debit cards [visa/mastercard, wadever] don’t be fooled. You know the risk involved?! When people picked up your debit cards, they can immediately signed away heaps of cash from your bank account.
Unlike credit card, whereby they have a working agreement with merchants, unauthorized access of cards meant that transactions are void. Debit cards doesn’t give you this safeguard. Once the thief used it, the cash is immediately deducted from your bank account. Then you cry bow wow also no use. Neither the bank nor the merchant is held liable. Be a smart consumer!

Next goal: Learning the Keyboard.
Enjoyed simple dinner fare yesterday under the stars.. lucky there was a slight breeze.. else it wil be too humid. then suddenly, bang bang bang! Man united scored one goal after another! Fortunately, the projection TV’s screen was large enough for me to see who are the scorers. Happy like dunno wad. Before I knew it, it was already 4-0! Congrats to the ‘hair dryer’, if you know what I mean.. I love the tiger beer commercial!

Had a busy day as usual, after 12 hours of being outside the comfort of my house, I finally went home n lie on my bed, refusing to move an inch until many moments later.

But days like these are spent with joy. You know not one single hour is wasted.
My ability to get back in a stable emotion state has shorten..? I don’t know why I always choose to be quiet about my own struggles. Instead of articulating to vent my frustrations, I much prefer to let it sink in my mind, went through it mindlessly, for countless times.

Reflections upon reflections, I begin to see light.
Im an imploding person. And i liked the way I am.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Meeting with GM went well. He is such a gentle giant, we nicknamed him 'The Teddy Bear'. But of cos, He is a hard man in his own ways to reach this position at the age of 37. Still, he was gentle with me and i do hope i can live up to his expectations.

Slept for straight 8 hrs yesterday night without moving an inch. I think i could be feeling under the weather. Hehe.. i think my body temperature is naturally high. Drink more liang teh and sleep early will do the trick!

Physical Health: 70%
Emotional Health: 80%
Mental Health: Unsound, as usual!

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I love tis freedom.
I love tis simple joy.

I hope its the angle.. but i do look abit chubb.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
This life
There are many things to consider again. I know its time to packed up my emotions and move on. I’m sorry.. you didn’t managed to create a huge dent in my heart. Hmm,, Daddy won 2 air tickets to Bali.. it seemed like no one is interested to go. What a waste! If I decide to go, that means averagely one leisure trip each month for this quarter. Should I…? My savings are not increasing, and now you know why! Haa!

Working life sucks! except for the monthly pay check.. am so realistic now. I wish I can work and have fun at the same time. It seemed like, on weekdays, life for me starts at 6pm, and ends at 8am. My weekends are packed to the brim with activities, and im so looking forward to Fridays every week, so I can start my life again. Im spending money frivolously now, I cant afford to quit.

And what they say is true, the things that you own, has begin to own you.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Boring day.
Rainy day.
Heavy lunch.

I feel like going home.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Fireworkz shine for me
Marina South steamboat is disappointing.
Though we went to one of the biggest called ‘Chomp Pang’… firstly, the plates were very dirty. I swear there is a coat of food stain on it when I rubbed my finger on the surface. The cooked food was always not enough.. maybe due to Singaporean’s mentality,, take more before its gone! The chilli crab were going in 5 mins, with people piling their plates with it. But one look in the kitchen, which happens to be beside our table, made my stomach felt queasy to even think about eating it. The raw crabs are places in old, dirty plastic carton trays like those coffeeshops use to put used beer bottles. And placed on top of a dirty looking carton box. Anyway… its yucks la. Maybe I too have a compulsive cleanliness disorder. Im super turn off. Didn’t eat to my $12 fill… cos I don’t want to have to run to toilet the next day.

Hehe.. but still, the fireworks [team France] watching at the open field was well worth my time! Got to know many new friends too, friends of friends, flew kites, played games, well, I got my kite stuck on a tree! After dinner, we watched fireworkz together. The finale is always the prettiest, shinest, and last the longest. I am so satisfied!! One week’s worth of glamorous fireworks and that should be able to last me till the New Year Countdown! :)

The night was nightmarish though, I woke up with stomachache at 3am! Coaxed my tummy with some ointment, and went back to sleep cos I was shag out.

But still, life is a bliss. What say you?
Friday, August 11, 2006
Woo hoo.. such luck, I was trying out this Fancl product that sets me back by $70 for a box [10 days supply]. And then I was very free one day and wrote a testimony in their website [a genuine one lah] to share my experience of using the product. Guess what? They picked my testimony and now they are giving me one whole box free! The nice lady called me over lunch to inform me, and said she would like to meet me in person to have a chat as well… Eeeeeewww… don’t ask me to conduct interviews or what leh, I very shy one. But its no obligation la.. I can collect my prize over the counter anytime. Haha… money saving scheme! Take part in contest!

P/s: this fiery head of hair is really beginning to grow on me. I think I’m starting to love it as the real reddish shades are coming out!

As i was celebrating the birthday of a colleague who is same age as me over lunch jus not, it suddenly striked me that this year's gonna be my last birthday with the digit 2 infront......... arGhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 10, 2006
i was jus thinking... Love never Failz :)

there's this funeral going on under my block now..
and its a christian funeral. im not being bias.. but it seemed really peaceful.
and i told Angel that when i die, i want a funeral like this.
serenity n peaceful..

Just like how it would be in heaven. huh.
Perky Me
Gonna see Fireworks again tomorrow! 3 days in a row, Can you believe it?!

Hair colour is settling in, 10 out of 10 reviews say it looked good. Im glad, though the water still runs of red/pink colour everytime i washed my hair.. and my poor towel will be stained a shade of pink where i wiped my hair. [dont tell my sis i steal hers to use, since she is not home most of the time! ;p]

Work is ok, found a reliable supplier for my year end activities. As long as things are moving, im a happy marketeer.

Jiu Zhai Gou trip in Oct, fully paid for by Dear Dad who insisted on paying. So cant wait to see the beautifully Autumn-painted valleys n lakes n mountains n waterfalls by mother nature.

Going for a mission trip in Nov, to help the Thai villagers. Quite excited about this actually, as its my first trip overseas to do something real meaningful for people in need. So its not all just talk, but really gettin down to work. Does this make life a little bit more appealing? I think yes. Because, i dont want to be consuming energy on earth, i think its important to pass some blessings to other people also. Noble? No, i'm not. Is just giving a little of my love to them. That's not alot to ask.

Other than my own emotional health, which I’m slowly nursing it,

Every seemed to be A-OKAY.

Just do it baby!

Happy birthday to Linda Babe, Cynthia Babe, and my boss, JR.
God Bless Ya!!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Fireworkz.. + a gentle heartache
hmm.. after the fireworks feast yesterday @ Esplanade & todae (the NDP, of cos!).. im so very satisfied!! haha.. happy am i again. it takes little to satisfy me heart, no? i cant tell you how much i love those things flickering across the night sky, i cant tell you how romantic n warmth i felt. you gotta be there to feel it!

The heart is raging these 2 days, like being betrayed. somehow.
but well.. why dwell on the unhappy stuff? life goes on..
Gotta tell myself, life goes on.
The heart is a funny matter.
hmm.. its like hard to get back on your feet when you are hurted in your heart. and how many times have i tell myself to protect tis heart of mine. how many times have i fell.. i hv lost count. I know how i'm made up emotionally, and im fragile like shite. probably life is all about hurting and healing.. ultimately, we grow, and we hope to be the best person that we can be.

Life isn't really so bad, if we learn to take things easy.
For the jerks in your life, just wiped them away and flushed them down the toilet.
They are not worth it.

Popped down to town awhile ago, traffic wasnt so bad afterall! people were just in a cruising mood.. n i guess im too. Laid back, nothing against the world.
Just digged out some CDs i bought eons months ago,
i remembered telling the seller, i want some chill out music, not too hardcore,
and he recommended me this Diana something. Wow.. its really cool!
now im happily indulging in her soothing music, and typing away on my lappie.
I Love Nday.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
me & tis life

Warm, empathetic, responsive, and responsible. Highly attuned to the emotions, needs, and motivations of others. Find potential in everyone, want to help others fulfill their potential. May act as catalysts for individual and group growth. Loyal, responsive to praise and criticism. Sociable, facilitate others in a group, and provide inspiring leadership.

That's me.
but surely. that is when im my good self.

There are times of depression, that i find it hard to even go through the daily events of life.. and i only want to be in my own comfort zone. places that i find assurance and warmth. sometimes i pray that god will take me away to another place.
but i know he wont.

ERP prices are going up AGAIN. shitty.
friend tell me, its inflation, accept it.
but within me, i dont accept this crap.
in the first place, there shouldnt be ERP at all. It is a white gantry elephant that we are made to pay off for its building and maintenance cost. and i suspect, the increase in commuting prices is also to pay off the damn EZlink system. & I heard the authority wanna put a hefty fine on SMRT or SBS buses when they dont come on schedule. i study econs before one okay. wadever taxes the corporation has to cough up, are passed down to the consumers ultimately. ARgh.

p/s: I so wanna see Fireworks
Friday, August 04, 2006
有些事, 该忘就忘
是我太念旧。。 太执著。
看开点, 一切都会美好。

I guess at some point in life, you start to see clearer into your own decisions. You know there are things that ought to be tucked away. Don’t dwell in your imagination anymore, bcos, it is not going to happen the way you want them to be. And your feeling towards others, your good intentions, your unfailing love, might not necessary be reciprocated. When it comes to the cross road, are you able to tell yourself, to give up and let go? That, you have done enough, and maybe its time you take a rest. No, I don’t mean quitting half way. I mean choosing another route that might make you a little happier, a little stronger, and a little less troubled after you have given your best.

Thank you for enlightening me, 一言惊醒梦中人。Without you telling me that, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t try so hard’, I would still be stewpidly giving all I have into this relationship. Or what I think of as a relationship. Maybe to you, it is nothing at all. When you wake up, pray that you wake up a little stronger. I think this time round, I really had enough of this shite.

Shut up and Get out.

p/s: this is a post to remind myself that i should stop being a doormat. fark care about those who cant be bothered.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Time of the month again. I hope the pain will be more bearable. This cramp is giving me a headache. I feel like fainting.

And the Jean-Grey-hair-colour that im sporting now is too high profile! i wanna get rid of it. I really didnt know what the salon people is thinking.. im not that young to carry that kind of colour anymore.. i hv mellowed down :)

Think now i looked less professional at work.. that is my greatest concern. ahhh...! my boss is coming back next week.. and i dont know how he will react. and when i get stares when i walk outside, especially in bright sunlight. people might think i'm sammi wanna be, or Yang qian hua. but i just wanna be me :s

i miss my black hair.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Yes, an ant just died despite wanting to keep it as a pet. I even put a little bread crumb for it to nibble. But it died on me. Reminds me of the time when there is this big, evil, hairy looking spider in my bedroom in Australia. I was very scared. But I cupped it with my transparent candle cup holder from Ikea.. and I left it there for 2 weeks. When I went back to see it, it was still there, ALIVE. Then I kept it for another 2 weeks. It is still ALIVE. Wanting to save myself from the nightmare of having it escape while I was sleeping and climbing on my bed trying to poison me [I have a vivid imagination you see]. I lifted up the Candle cup holder, with the spider about to scurry away, I smashed it dead with my slippers. What did I do with the corpse? I used toilet paper to swipe it up and then flushed into the toilet bowl for a good waterfall cremation. Poor Spidey.
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