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its Just me & my thOughts.. walking Side by side.. on the Sandy beach.

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Thursday, December 29, 2005
check
Today i wanna pat myself on the back
i managed to face a very angry situation with mellowness
i was never an angry person
but dunno why always fall into the trap of getting upset
i love peace
but there are situations that arises;
and people whom i know are able to activate my
Red Hot button almost immediately kind.
its also funny how i allow them to get to me sometimes.
i could have just walk away coolly.

Today, i choose to calm my nerves and i soothe my mane
no big deal at all
and i can handle it suavely like a bar tender doing his bar tricks
its not that difficult as i thought
probably i have really grown from incidents that have left me broken
it feels surprisingly good to be in control of my emotions
vulnerability is something that will be aliened to me
Take things easy
Checkmate.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
skiving
im such a skiver,
gave myself a break from work todae as i was feeling abit under the weather
truth is; i suddenly needed to zzz.
i feel so happy to just sleep the day away. i wonder if there is another skiver like me?
some one who is so easily contented.. hee.

medication makes me hungry
food.. i need food.

:s

love.. i need love.

:)
wOrds are not enuff
i had the talk on tues..
with someone whom has been in my life for the past 6 years.
its funny. im still agitated. but i feel so mellow yesterday
it was as if i wished the whole thing will be over and done with in a second
im tired.

the newly open TCC at lido provided a warmth ambience in pretense
beautiful backdrop of the drizzle painted the window glass panes.
it all seemed NORMAL.
until we antagonised each other again
we allowed the past hurts in the weeks to resurface
i mean they always say that when theres an action;
there will be a reaction, no?
cool..
when the cafe closed, we decided to call it a night.
there were too much emotions to revisit.
never ending..

im so fucking insecure..
i sms people at 3 plus in the middle of the night
to let them know that im alive
i like to constantly check if i hv fell out of favour with people whom matters to me
i like to play heroine to save damsels in distress
and i feel good about that
i bask in attention from people, guys and gals alike
loneliness just gets to me freaking easily
it could be just one person;
but i felt as if the whole world has deserted me
im just so warped [i hv an uncomprehendable liking for this word]

sometimes im truly amused at myself
probably most of the time i'm laughing at my misgivings
i constantly hear the voices of the devil and angel conversing
and to this day;
i dunno which is friend and which is a foe.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Fluffy clouds
Fluffy clouds & sweet candy floss
It was never a reality
I long to dance with you
To this music that will never last
Somehow broken in appearance
Somehow making it even more fragile

Spent a great holiday..
And these days, there were surprises that spices up my life
Yes, that includes bumping my car stupidly into a stationary van
Meeting up with people I scarcely know
Going back to the good old days
A 22-year-old asking me out on a date
to which I declined politely saying I prefer older guys
Having a love-hate relationship with someone
Receiving out of the blue presents
Not being able to sleep till 8am in the morning
Cried and comfort was offered through a call
Hmm… countless ‘I-should-been-feeling-lonely’ times but
Wiped away by people I call friends.
Yes, it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

And for that, I have nothing else to rant about.

Our company decided to get gifts for the children from an orphanage,
We were all supposed to fulfill their individual wishlist and
everyone really put in a lot of efforts in buying and choosing the gifts.
Its more meaningful that the traditional but
bo liao [read: obligated] gift exchange every year.

Oh, I watched The chronicles of Narnia yesterday with the empire.
Frankly, I didn’t read the story book before at all
So there were full of surprising moments for me
Laugh till I pengz [erm.. shall not do a spoiler here]
The Narnia winter scenes brought so much awed to me.
I have always wanted to travel recent months
They totally freshen up my mind
Snowy capes, wintery white
It was a Merry Christmas in its own way.

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p/s: added the photo of the white bag in cos there was a rainbow on it if you nOticed!
i love rainbows. they give hope.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Cmas hohoho
You know how like people do Christmas gift exchange, especially in the office?
Don’t be fooled ok. You really have to know the technique of playing this game.
There are a few rules to play by..

Firstly, get everyone to write a wish list! It works great, at least you don’t have to crack your brains to buy things that will be left on the shelf till next Christmas to be given away.
Commonly known as recycled gifts.

Remember to attach a card to the pressie. It just shows you are very 细心, and it personalizes the present. Many brownies points for that!

Lastly and most importantly, exclaimed very loudly
[at this moment, insert in appropriate facial expression such as
gasping with your mouth open] that you really like the gift you are getting!
Even if it is just a 3 for $10 underwear from pasar malam!
haahaz!

Then, while you Ha La with everyone.. remember
to keep showing the gift off and make sure everyone knows
how appreciative you are. Make the sender feel great also ma.
Christmas is about being happy!

My wish? A white christmas next year...
ok, santa? :)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
ROM
Last Friday’s ROM at Fort Canning was so cool..
they specially done up an outdoor area like alfresco style.
There are nice garden metal benches for us to sit around.. and red carpet as well.
My cousin was damn nervous!
First time I see him biting his lips when the solemnizer read out
all those ‘clauses’ for marriage.
I joked that he must be listening to all of them very carefully…
then keep asking himself secretly ‘should I? Should I?…’

Life is gonna be sucky if you make a major wrong move.
Beware, Beware.

Had 2 buffets yesterday, one for farewell, one for birthday
i actually felt like puking when i bite into the sashimi at Pariss last night.
Can you imagine??
but i calmed myself down.. eat slowly but steadily.
they even had Peking Duck!
Paid almost $45 per pax...
Die also must eat my fav sashimos & sashimi & roast beef & abalone w steam egg & grilled seafood & black pepper crab & oreo cheese cake & chocolate fondue....
its quite yUmmy actually..

but i wasnt happy.
the journey back was in silence.
i found that my ability to commune with you has come to a standstill
i no longer wish to dwell on facts that i cant change
so stop asking me whether am i okay
im sick and tired of being the blardy broken record
sheeSh~!

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Dec
Severe pocket burnt in December as usual!
Don’t you think its like a mad rush every year?
People are tiring themselves out buying gifts that other people don’t want.
Unless there is a wishlist ba.
It has become a chore to spend countless amount of time gift wrapping.
And hor, there is an obscene amount of people celebrating their birthdays
In December. Birthday dinners and pressies… parties, drinking sessions!
I declare myself broke.

I had an unusually great time last weekend.
We went MS and I was totally awed by how much these people can drink and party.
The night seemed to fly by.. strangers became friends.
Everyone made sure everyone drank a lot; played alot
And made a utter fool of themselves!
No agenda awaiting. I like.

Monday was a self declared holiday and I went shopping at orchard.
I bet you wouldn’t think it’s a Monday judging by the crowd u see in shopping malls
and along orchard road. Nonetheless, it was a happy day with your great company.

Hmm… the joy of life is being sure of what you want.
And letting go.
I may be so blinded at times.
But I know I wanna feel alive and kicking again
I wanna stop mopping around like a lil kid
who was being denied a candy, a hug.. a wadever.

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Friday, December 16, 2005
小儿魔
The broken record has been playing on for too long
The noise is getting unbearable
It’s causing so much unrest in my head
Stop it please.
Right at this moment
I would rather have no music in my life
Than to listen to this crap being played
I thought that I would die without music in my life
But I was wrong

I don’t really mind.

小儿魔就是我
frns
You know some friends are like that...
damn 讲义气 one.
even when i promise them to go see Harry porter 4
but i didnt
and i promise to go for drinks but i keep changing my mind
*paisay*
but now im in trouble.. they still come to my rescue
i so blardy ashamed of myself
lucky got them tonight.
when i asked 'drinking?'
they say 'onz!'

thank you that nothing bad will happen to me tonight
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
oh wow.. the ex ex episode isn’t over yet.
He sms me and asked me out for lunch sometime.
Grrr… I hate that.
Do i really have to patronise him?
I don’t mind meeting with my ex, Cos we still keep in contact once in a while.
Still communicating-friends, and exchange a lot of emails once in while that kind.

The ex ex, we stopped contacting each other for years now! 7? 8?
Maybe even 9.
Just an occasional ‘hi-bye’ kinda sms during festive.
I need to go and face my Ghost.
I know that the me-not-liking-him feeling could
just very well be an one-sided perception.
I will try la okay.

Of course it doesnt mean no friends after the relationship doesn’t work out
But it depends on whether I find him irritating to the core
which in this instance.. i did, for quite a long while. ;p
Or worst still. If I still have feelings for that kinda scenario.
Only i know who this will apply to ok?
I think Hating a person makes me love him lesser
And loving him lesser means I wont miss him that often
And not missing him means I can get over the heartbreak faster.
Yeah~ warped? But it works.

There is a significantly down point in my life now that i need to get over soon
i cant imagine why december is much much worst than november.
it is entirely not what i hv expected.
i feel a transparent flim covering me
those that you use to keep veggie fresh in the fridge
- Glad wrap
- 保鲜纸
Doesnt matter what name you call it.
i look as per normal from the outside, i think
you can even see me smile from a distance
no one can tell the difference.
but im suffocating so much.
sweating all over inside;
breathless n struggling.

you stood outside looking;
you waved.

i want to be alive n kicking;
i want my life.


我真的很想就这样算了
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
不想
hahhaha... my apologies
its [无极]
NOT 天级... kekeke.
mux have watched too much 'Stairway to Heaven' liao~!

beginning to like SHE's new album more & more
yupz.. thot it was only average initially when i got the MP3s
as i listened to it more on my nano..
i feel the ease of the rhythm hitting into my head!

我不想, 我不想, 我不想长大
长大后就没有了童话~~

Just got an sms from my ex bf..
He said he saw me just now during lunch
and he was able to describe my dressing correctly
aRgh.. why ar.
dont you feel damn insecure when pple sms you these things?
especially pple whom you.. think u used to mean something to them
Even if it was eon years ago!? haahaa!
im beginning to think.. did i talk too loudly just not?
was my hair in place?
... no matter what cant be help already la
no image then no image
yuCks.
the good thing is,
i think i was dressed okay today ;p

oh wow! check tis out...
Ministry of Sound in in Singapore~
Grand Opening this sat.
I figure that if angel has other commitments
I will accept my frn's invite, why nOt?
sOunds like okay fun :)
Monday, December 12, 2005
coming to an end
Had my drink,
and that will be Hoegarden :)
it tastes unusually flat at the end
but it still goes down well w my food.

PERHAPS.LOVE.
quite a relaxing movie to watch
it satisfies my hunger for wintery snow white sceneries as well..
watching the snowflakes falling and falling throughout the movie
wow.
surprising there were no explicit sexual scenes;
usually for romantic movies, there wld be at least one
to lure the male audience to go n watch right?
like '天级 [The Promise]', heard cecilia cheung has 'bare her soul'

The expectedly Suave Takeshi even wore his winter coat and all
when swimmin in the pool
and thats where he forced his kiss on the gal.
quite comical to see them struggling so long underwater
wont suffocate one meh?
guess thats why the gal relented in the end
cos she needed air.
and Takeshi could give her the CPR underwater.

my new year resolution is set you know?
im doing something about my freckles.
somehow it has gone beyond being cute.
hmm ..maybe i hv gotten sick of them over the years.
wait for a brand new me in 2006.

then, also must remind myself not to give my 101% everytime
always end up getting hurt, mending a broken heart.
ya, AB blood type pple are stupidly sentimental and sentimental.
okies *takes deep breath*
Carry on breathing and i will be fine.

.. that will be all.

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
streaks of X'mas
It feels like Christmas all over again~
The decor in town sucks abit.. but heck it.
Took some time off to pamper myself at Subtle Senses..
Did my skin feel better after making myself $83 poorer?
No. oh, make that double since i offered to pay for my sis as well~ heh.
I need to re stock my Origins moisturizer..!!
Been too lazy to move my bum to pick one up.

Met up with wee2 and yeah! I drove down to Suntec!
I’m now a proud owner of OSIM’s iCare Massager.
No, not Uzap lah, maybe they think I don’t need?? ;p
She’s so sweet.. she made me this decorative frame thing.. as seen in the foto..
She sewed the clouds herself! Its very pretty!

I conquer my fears once again, Suntec carpark is where I had very bad memories lor.
Scratched the alloy wheels of my dad’s car 2 yrs ago.
And I scared like shit to go back there again, cos it cost him $800 to fix it.
Felt even worst when he didn’t want me to pay a single cent.
This time… no clichéd at all. Lucky, lucky yes!
Drove in the rain home.. from Geylang, I like driving in the rain..
But scared as well.. cos the wipers isn’t exactly transparent.
The vision is indeed affected.
How come they don’t make transparent wipers??!

And So, work has been pretty tough these weeks.
But now CEO is back to States,
New GM from Holland has settled in but havent really talked to him yet.
Big guy… he 'talks down' to everyone - literally.
I can only take deep breaths and keep going.
Keep going.. keep going.

Angel is traveling to HK with his family. I politely declined joining them
Firstly, the free mileage points can only be claimed for 4 pax;
And 5 person’s accommodation & moving around is gonna be a hassle.
I opted out. I don’t wanna be cumbersome.
Yupz.. I jus don’t like to give people trouble.
Some people might say i very 见外,
but i just feel paisay very easily.. even to my own friends and family.
Nobody owes anyone anything, no?
I figured that being on my own can also be fulfilling.
I always need those breathing space.
Else, I might just bottled up and explode!

I miss my drinks so badly... uh huh.


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Friday, December 02, 2005
hybernation
work work work....
and more work.
appt appt appt
and more appt.

the hecticness has a vicious cycle of coming to 2 weeks now.
today being the last day of the week.
why is my heart still so unsettled?
at night, i picture myself day-dreaming on a bench
in some secluded park;
gazing into the perfect sky filled with stars.

i can be alone.
i like to be alone.
leave me alone.
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