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its Just me & my thOughts.. walking Side by side.. on the Sandy beach.

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SeEking my Polaris

Wednesday, November 30, 2005
jUst a nOte from Sydney
Hi Sweet Lady and Guy,

Sorry for the long delay.
Its been very bzz after the event.
I have exam, than back to Rosette Attachment and then School production.
Non stop, so I sick on and off.
Very Stress school life.
But days and time past very and very fast without my knowledge.

Really thanks, for all of u coming to my event.
I have been working very hard, every progress.
Never believe I have come this far and nearer to what I want to achieve.

Thanks and appreciate for all of u pals for your support.
Have been this long. courageous in believing myself I can do it.
Have make me move on.
Friends and Family have been a great support to me.
I will not disappoint all of you.
I will keep it up.

Thanks for :
Boon Khee really great help on event, and sorry for trouble u so much.
Shan Never expect u come, have been so long. But I believe u r always my friend forever.
Soo Ann wa! so Bzzz guy never expected. But thanks and take care, really a good pal.
Joyce tooo very no sound without telling, but hopefully everything going well for you.
Audrey same unexpected, cause I really sorry never email so long, I did try but no reply.

Really miss u alot.
Thanks:)
Sydney


My Footnote:
Thanks to you too Sydney..
for letting me know how exciting it is to be pursuing a dream.
the sweat and joy that comes with it.
That everything is worthwhile afterall.

Love,
your friend.

Monday, November 28, 2005
Dreams
Swiss Dreams Circus over the weekends wasn’t too bad.
Entertaining and enjoyable.
Its not the traditional circus.. but lotsa tricks coupled with modern art, like dancing,
And ‘STOMP’. The clown is hilarious.. clad in pajamas. He stole the show by being the main character that weaved all the different segments together. Yupz, there is a storyline that flows through! Its about dreams. There a pre show buffet reception and you can eat as much as you want.. then they have canned drinks and mineral water and goodie bags and neon lights and pop corn and candy floss for audience to bring into the show. All FOC. Maybe being invited for the VIP show helped.. so many privileges! All the Singaporeans who attended the show must be real happy. Thank to moi sis for the free tickets.

Sunday was a dae of rush. Went to friend’s grandma wake after my hip hop class. That’s was already about 5 plus. Im feeling heaty.. late nights ba. Then I ate a lot of peanuts there.. while chatting with her. I realized wakes no longer overwhelmed me with sadness.. Is it true that time can lessen the emotional hurt and pain? Yes, I still miss her terribly. I guess I always chose to remember the good things out of my experiences over the long run. I remember people’s goodness. Am I too naïve?? Maybe lor..

I’m letting my brain rest for the time being.. actually also too lazy to think.
im feeling under the weather.. medication making me drOwsy la.
someone said I think too much.. and its causing me to be very convoluted within.
I totally agree.

Free my mind.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
incredibly dumb
Late night, saturday..
oh.. i mean wee hours of sat morning.. like 2am?
who bears to sleep so early?!

i just finished watching 'Monster' on dvd... no no
not 'Monster Inc'... with those cute cuddly monsters
its Monster, staring charlie charltron?
and the little grown up gal from Adams family.
oh well... didnt realised that they acted as lesbos so explicitly.
abit unreal lor. like when they do simple intimate thing such as hugging..
looks kinda awkward.
but i take my hat off the lead actress.. no wonder she got the academy award for it!
she's a pros, murderer, then turned lesbo.. then turned serial killer
hmm.. ya, her life is pretty complicated.
kinda pity her,
she screwed up at the end, and her gf left her.
erm.. regretted watching it, cos it left me sleepless..
these kinda thought-provoking shows are defnitely my cup of tea
i think i allow myself to engaged too deeply..
the scenes are still replaying in my mind :/

when the night is silent.. i will do my favourite thing
- think.
tonight, there's only one thing that is occupying my mind.
and its such a therapy to be listening to sad sad songs on my laptop
and clearing my head up
or making it even mOre warped? haa~
thats always me.

sometimes i dont quite understand myself
i really dont.. i make choices that seemed right
but i end up torturing myself..? heh.
argh, im beginning to bore myself here
this is getting nowhere?

i hope i can sleep real soon.
the songs are making me cry...

有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰?

damn it.
how come no soccer match to watch?!
it will at least numb my senses.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Year end trend 是吗?
The males species in my company are happily getting married,
1 guy from Korea and 1 from china.
Emails are flying about, asking each other to wake their idea up.

The female species are happily getting laid and pregnant and giving birth.
3 are on maternity now and another 4 more announced their pregnancy not tOo long ago..
Cant imagine.. more troublesome kids..??

OMG~ what is this world coming to?
Why is everyone behaving so blissfully? Or so I thought.

I sat down and think one day, like when im 60+ years old,
i will round up all my friends who are single, OR
who have been dumped by their kids.
then we will happily move into the same old folks village together!
we will still enjoy life with wine,
have each other for good company
and someone to grow old with..
isnt this fabulOus?!
i guess im really tuned to this idea.
you can sign up with me if you are interested..
no commitment needed.
satisfaction guaranteed.

At this moment.. I am still oblivious to the cycle of life.
Marriage? Not even in existence in my current world.

My ideal partner..? I think i will marry him.
Cos he makes me laugh the hardest
:)

~.~.~.~

And yes i know,
how lonely life can be...
the shadows follow me
and the night wont set me free

~ always a fav,
And I Love You So by Perry Como
Thursday, November 24, 2005
sUnshine are U there?
the sun is out todae again.. i love blue skies
but i love the cool & gloom feel of rainy daes
contradictiOn again.

playing furiously with my ipod nano these nights
can store lyrics one you know?
then when the song is playing you can scroll the lyrics along
also can store photos.. to view as slide show.
didnt know MP3 player can be so cool these dayz..

but i think im in love with the click wheel the most
its so cool.. im starting to think that 2G might not be enough le.

that aside, i am thinking of pursuing a dream i had since a long time ago
the dream that is dead n buried within me.
*still thinking*

what does being in love comprise of?
probably feeling miserable counts too? heh.

for now, its just me and my baileys.

没有东西用宽恕放不低
只因没有东西会比缘份名贵

~四面楚歌, Jay

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Drifting thots
I think the recent cold weather is driving me nuts.
Not in any slight detestful sense.
i'm thinking of how long it will last.
i'm beginning to dream that i'm living in Manchester or something..

It, has also gotten me a slight Melancholic.

Today, while I was typing away on the keyboard..
I realized that I could actually typed pretty fast,
Sometimes without referring to the keys on the keyboard.
Erm.. I don’t have professional training on typing ok.
Maybe all the history of ircing, icqing, msning, helped a wee bit.

You know, when I was very very young,
when every household need not own a Personal Computer;
let alone a choice between a desktop or a laptop.
When I was still struggling with my fractions and spellings..
there is this vivid scene imprinted in my puny head.
My elder brother had wanted to buy a typewriter
[read: old fashioned typewriter where you have to push it back to start again,
then there’s a ‘Ding’ sound]
Apparently his school needs them to write a report or something..
My grandma; my beloved grandma! Guess she must have been about 70 yrs old then.
She knew my brother didn’t dare asked my dad for money,
without saying a word more, she secretly shoved $200 into his hands..
and tell him to go buy it immediately
[looking at inflation rate, that might have been equivalent to $500 now??].
She says it is useful to learn typing, and we will need the skill in future
when we come out for work. I was in the room and I witnessed this scene,
too young to comment anything like how I would now.
Little me was thinking to myself.. grandma is such a nice lady,
with a lot of foresight, and she must be quite rich.

Slowly, I realized that there were many grandchildren to be doted on,
and grandma always did what she could to make all of us happy.
To fulfill the little desires that we had in our little hearts then.
It might be insignificant acts.. but it often meant the world to us.

Now that she has passed on.. I miss her freaking badly.

I saw her acts of love in someone’s life today.. my mum.
Sometimes I know that im being incorrigibly awful and stubborn and willful
and stupid and not reciprocating..
but she still dotes on me,
and showers me with love and care
EVERYDAY.

I'm very grateful & I know I owe her big time.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
:|
阴天, 在不开灯的房间
让所有思绪都一点一点沉淀.

Been wanting to travel for sometime now,
a long time; till my joy is killed.

Somehow i could never get my thoughts across
my emotions; they rant like a monster
i free fall from a thousand miles above

但, 我心如止水.
Monday, November 21, 2005
toast to my birthday celebrations...
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After seeing so many candles on my cake i sianz half alreadY.. haa~
& having pms that clashed with bday celebrations sure didnt help alot.
temper was quick.. and mood.. often erratic.
sometimes you know that you dont wanna behave tis way
but the emo-wreck that i'm just got the better out of me
sheesh.. its all over now!
dont wanna talk about it.
still.. a pretty wonderful time i have..
reflective of the past year.
the milestones
the dark zones
i know i will be okay.

didnt they say that picture speaks a thousand words?
my Birthday celebrations this year..
these are my memories to have and to keep..
till next year :)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Bday thots...
thanks to my dear dear friends who specially
made an effort to have birthday dinners with me..
im beyond words
because i dont deserve all the attention
im not a very good person;
i havent been a very good friend in return
im forgetful, and self-indulging
and i dont walk the talk
i dun like small animals
or fiesty kids
they bore the hell out of me after 10 mins.

i always think of people in good light
yet those who are very close to me
i will usually jump on them
to expose their flaws
to impose my own thoughts on them
& get hurt by things they do;
or things they dont do
im that scary.
i feel kinda flooded these days..
flooded with flaws.

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but a person taught me about flaws
that flaws made someone special

im beginning to appreciate you as who you are
all this is kinda new

i like my hands to be held
no matter how insane the world has been
i feel safe.

for now, i will try to be a better person.
alrite?

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Tuesday, November 15, 2005
:D
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kekeke... my bruises from TAG paintball challenge!
Now i look like a kid suffering from family abused.. haha~
Had a tough game.. but it was all in the name of fun.
Too bad.. the PSP grazed by me... hiakz!.. an underdog team won
the challenge.. and everyone is like so surprised!
Glad i didnt chicken out cos its a fantastic experience to hit targets
and complete missions.. jus like in action-packed movies :)


i still happily went to Railway Mall afterthat..
and got a souvenir.. from Wine Wise.
keke.. thank you, again.


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They let you bottle your own wine.. and then guess what?
you can personalised the label on the bottle!
e.g. Happy birthday; My First Bottle; Just for you... with love.. etc. etc..
Did some wine tasting there.. in the early afternoon
but it felt good! Should do that some other time again..
what a leisure & relaxing sat afternoon..
ahhh..... satisfying is the word

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i think its the first time i saw you blushed..
effect from the wine? ;p

By the way.. 'Just Like Heaven' so-so only...
over rated i guess.
I think love.. spells a more romantic feeling than that.
You can see it quite evidently sometimes..
I can just tell.
Friday, November 11, 2005
tis, what i call hope
the night turns into morning...
darkness is overtaken by light
everydae... without fail.

today i woke up with a new sense of easiness
no,
nothing has change
it just i saw the warmth sunshine
and as i was putting on my work clothes
i feel that a new beginning is here
when darkness turns into light..
a new day beacons

the yesterdays, the heartache
the pain, the sorrows
even the hangovers
they cannot follow me through
they are blocked and zapped out by the light of the day

god created day and night
to give us a fresh start each day
every day we are given a 2nd chance at life
i know this sounds nonsensical to you
but the realization is damn strong today
so what if today is shitty
[it really is by the way, my boss did his stunt again!]
tmr, i will wake up to another brand new day
let the memories fade
brace on
move on
we cant keep dwelling on stuff that ladens us
and drag us down down down
our purpose in life
is to move on.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
(-_-;)
wow.. long time didnt suffer frOm hangover
the feeling of stomach churning;
of forcing your subconscious to stay awake
had to take half day leave to soothe the lousy headache
cannot drink too much
scared liao
but the live band at Wala Wala was not bad at all..
they crooned very my songs.
:)

yesterday mum waited up for me,
i went straight into my room as my face was bleet red.
dont want to be discovered that i went drinking on a wed night
*sheepiSh*
suddenly, she popped her head in and asked,
'Have you got a new boyfriend??'
that, almost knocked the wind out of me...
hahaha...

Mothers are the most adorable creatures on earth.

+++

Sometimes, we ask our jobs do too much. We try to make our jobs our
identity. We try to make our jobs our reason for being. We try to make
our jobs the fulfillment of all our dreams. Our jobs were never
intended to be everything.


Sometimes, we ask our possessions to do too much. We think that if we
can purchase the newest outfit, the latest gadget, the shiniest model,
the biggest house, or the fastest car then our life will be complete.
Our possessions were never designed to give our life meaning.


Sometimes, we ask our relationships to do too much. A wife asks her
husband to give her life meaning. A husband asks his wife to build him
up and make him feel important. A mother asks her children to fill her
life with purpose and significance. A relationship with another person
was never intended to make life abundant.


Sometimes, we ask our words to do too much. We ask our words to prove
our love. We ask our words to convince people of our faith. We ask our
words to replace our physical presence. Our words were never created to
do all those things.


~Heartlight...
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
:|
I know I don’t ask for much
But that doesn’t mean you can freaking ignore my feelings
Crumpled them and trashed them aside
it is getting from bad to worse!
Service recovery really doesn’t work on me at all.

If the frequency of you meeting a person increases;
You know it must be one of the following…

i. you enjoy each other’s company
ii. you want to know the many facades of him/her
iii. you like the way this person make you laugh
iv. you like being silent at times with this person
v. you miss each other
vi. all of the above


Come sat is my paintball challenge..
I feel like chickening out!
ARgh!
Dunnnnnnn want blue black…. I hate blue black…
How to wear my favorite shorts & mini skirts like that??
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
:s
Had a good time hanging out at Holland Village yesterday night.
Monday night ma, so drinking is a no no ;p
After dinner at Thai express;
Where I happily ate and ate
We went to cosy Essential Brew instead..
Everyone parked ourselves comfortably at a corner
Or rather.. I squeeze myself into the cosy corner.
Sorry guys, I have lazy bones lah.

November is a month I love and dread.
It’s a month that I get dinner invites;
Gatherings with long time friends;
Celebrations.. and cake cuttings.
Apprehensive~

Every year when my birthday is approaching
I feel apprehensive
Scared.
Insecure
Bewildered
Old…

To sum it up in one word,
SIANZ……

I don’t want another cake cutting session
Where I have to pretend to be making a wish
the close my eyes, clasp my hands shite
While my mind is in a total blank
I don’t believe in fairytales anymore

I hope this year, something will happen
Good or Bad
Something for me to remember;
For a lifetime

these days... i really need a hug.
Monday, November 07, 2005
:)
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alot of things have been happening in my personal life
i just havent really think about how to blog them
these series of photos are ones that i have taken
when i went to relaz at lower pierce reservior one evening
i cant even remember when.. haha.
it was a long drive there...
till me, aka the driver almost got very pissed
but that will be another story ;p

we went up Upper pierce initially.. and it was more secluded..
with lotsa monkeys.. out in the middle of the road
i had to honk at them loudly before they move out of the way.
some others, just refused to bulge.
i swerved & turn trying not to hit those asshead monkeys..
but i dont like secluded place
they dont give me a sense of security
NEVER
we decided to try lower pierce instead
and true enough
its a great spot for family, and relaxation
sitting there... looking at the sun setting
life never felt so calm.
or does it?

Hip Hop class yest was kinda fun~
i learnt the moves.. and its like those jolin or cyndi or energy
type of MTV moves... keke
My Instructor [he is 33 and still look 28 kind] joked that he will
video cam all of us and make into an MTV.
i was thinkin MTV bloopers! more like it right?
cos he was laughing at some of the wrong moves.
enjoying himself sial...
groovy baby~

I had alot of fun yest.. though its just dinner.
Playful me suggested playing '5-10' to finish up the food
and you improvise on the game.. haa.
Too bad.. i won 80% of the time~
i think i laughed so much that the next table was wondering
if my 100 plus drink is intoxicated with alcohol~!
hiakz ;p
You must take care ok, come back in one piece pls.
Friday, November 04, 2005
:)
I had late night outs once per week now.
those that i got home before 2am ones are not counted. its terrrrrrrrible.
Like you only got home about 6am..
and get to bed after u shower and blow dry the dripping wet hair.
sometimes my eyes are still wide open when i lie on bed
its jet lag you know hahaha..
so i drift in and out of sleep..
sometimes sleep for an hour sometimes for two,
then i open my half close eyes to check the time
i thought i have been sleeping forever but the clock only shows 9am.. then 11am...
then i woke up to eat cos was too famished.
im having so much fun.
At the same time; juggling so many duties, emotions, struggles
i think im turning into a super gal.

i say all girls would love abit of attention, and care and the feeling of being special.
the degree of need may vary from gal to gal
but ALL gals have this little secret desire within them
to feel loved
so who says that holding hands, pat on the head isnt important?!
it is exactly these little gestures that melts our heart
tender loving care...
who dont need it?
i remain corrected.



却换不回熟悉的那张脸
缓缓飘落的枫叶像思念
为何挽回要赶在冬天来之前
爱你穿越时间
两段来自沉没的眼泪
让爱伤透了地面
我要的只是你在我身边
~ Jay
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
:|
我早已经待在谷底
我知道不能再留住你
也知道不能没有孤寂
感激你让我拥有缺点的美丽
看着那白色的蜻蜓
在空中忘了前进
黑色毛衣 藏在那里
就让回忆永远停在那里

jay's new album is out ya..
im so freaking overwhelmed by this song.
Hei Se Mao Yi.. !


What they say is always true..
the harder you try to grab sand in your hands
the faster it drift away
no matter how hard you try
no matter

when we look into the mirror
we see a 2 dimenional view of ourselves
When we looks at things and situations
we choose to see what is unpleasant
trust me
we always do
humans are engineered in such a way
that we are attracted to sadness
and sorrowful things
these things, we let them dwell in our hearts

we often take kindness; goodness
patience; good times; joy... for granted.
we never really looked back at happy moments
and said im such a blessed person
we looked back at happy moments and say,
those are such happy times...
i can never be that happy again

damn it ok.
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