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its Just me & my thOughts.. walking Side by side.. on the Sandy beach.

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SeEking my Polaris

Wednesday, August 31, 2005
There is this guy who hv been an alcoholic for 20 yrs..
Every morning he woke up and down a glass of vodka w juice even befOre his day starts.
Drinks accompanying his lunch were often beer..
and dinner of cos will be flooded w wine n hard liquor.

Then… he met this gal n they became great frns.
Platonic, yet they cared fiercely for each other.
One day while eating lunch in a park w the gal, he has a usual bottle of beer w him
Gal ate quietly and spoke softly to him...
'i wish you wouldnt drink so much' she paused,
'dun drink so much... alright?'

The guy listen intently, looked down at his beer, and said, 'Alright.'
He went home.
Woke up the next morning and habitually went to get a drink,
He flunk open his cabinets & threw out all the hard liquor in his house..

The moral of the story is... i believe the guy loves the gal.
Substitue alcohol with anything that matters alot to the guy..
~Love is sometimes not always gettin what you want;
but giving what the other person want makes you happy~

+++

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Love these fotos from Japan..
Photos evoke their own aura dont you think~?
..some of sweetness,
some of sadness,
some are breathtaking,
some of quiet peace,
some of serenity and
others of eternal memories..
Monday, August 29, 2005
plattering mind
Listening to the 'plattering' of water in the huge Jacuzzi pool
The incredulous effort of making it sound like rain drops falling when your eyes are shut.
It was relaxing and the daydreaming unfold.
I thought I was indulging in peace until I remembered something..
A conversation that I had walked away from.
How do you start.. fixing that damn heart?

We have walked away too many times.

Still Listening to the plattering of water droplets
Indulging in an overhaul of reflections
Why does it seemed more and more like the rain falling on my face;
Trying to clear the clouds in my mind
Why was i there in the first place?
Mesmerized by those plattering of the water droplets..
Friday, August 26, 2005
Seen thru
Im so drifting with my life these dayz.. in another words, im satisfied.
dun envy~

ya know, the ultimate heart wrenching grinding you will never see.. when the blood is dripping, i lick them up and swallow the bittertaste. yuCkz. Its kinda pervertish how everytime i need to know i have to fall down a million times to plant my feet firmly on the ground.
okay, im hallucinating again.

Shall leave us with this... my top 5 from an Old Timer's Advice:

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads

* You cannot unsay a cruel word [or undo a cruel treatment, period.]

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around [hahaha... tis one is amusing shite~]

>>>

Oh, and by the way....

-im on an unofficial vacation

normal updates should resume shortly.

thank you.


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Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserve Joy
Nature never fails to captivate me.
1 week ago, we decided to go to Sungei Buloh Wetland Reserve over the weekends, and despite the drizzle, which turned into a mid range down pour, we still stuck to our original plan~ [how rare! Probably cos we were driving and Dad has no choice but to follow suit? Haa.. ]
It was definitely an adventurous ride. Just Imagine: Rain + Mud + Poor Visibility + Losing our ways 3 times + 2 tots in the background!!
We arrived. Decided to laze around in the café to wait for the rain to subside, it’s a very cosy café overseeing a beauuuutiful lake/pond [whatever] I must say. Saw some Caucasians there as well on their own, not following some tour groups and Im pretty amazed by their sense of direction of being able to find this secluded and hidden sanctuary..
I would have given anything up for this tranquil time spent together.. been sometime since my family went to enjoy the nature. Dad has been sick for almost a month. We thought it was Dengue initially, but thank god it’s a viral fever infection after a blood test. My folks seemed to enjoy themselves walking through the mangroves, the freshpond area, or simply just holding their grandchildren hands and exclaiming to them the huge monitor lizard that was climbing under the pavement of wooden planks. We saw it through the gaps, it was huge! And everyone was talking about it for a whole 5 minutes!
I wonder.. what is it like to have grandchildren? Kids with big innocent eyes? :)
We walked and walked.. no one seemed tired and we had about 30 mins of sunshine in between. Finally, it started to rain again and we decided to call it a day. On the way back, we braved the rain to stopped by our Grandma’s grave to pay our respect. It was the 2nd year anniversary of her death.
Its funny how vividly you remember some things. Then choose to ignore the rest.
Dad was pleased that we accompanied him there though it was raining heavily.
To me, we didn’t do it for anyone else, but for grandma.
Everyone ended up drenched and soaking wet, but we carried a happy heart within us..
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More photos when the digi pictures are uploaded... :)
Monday, August 22, 2005
Ex Ex... gathering
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It was another warm and fuzzy feeling to meet up with my Mediacorp colleagues. Its been eon years! They are still a wonderful bunch. I used to be only 19 when i joined the big corporation, frankly, i was abit intimidated. But these people, they brought me so much joy & laughter that my first job seemed to be a breeze. The 1 and a half years there flew by with happy memories...

*Zapped* back to the gathering - We updated each other about our lives and it is with much pleasure that I will be doing some match-making for one of them gals. [again?! Why do I always land myself in such a situation? *chuckles*] Haa… I already have the guy in mind.. but, dunno they will have chemistry or not leh. Sekarli [loosely translated to ‘what if?’] backfired how? I mux put up a disclaimer at all cost!!

It was one silly joke after another and of cos reminiscing about how Chris made a fool herself wearing non-matching shoes and travelled all the way from Bestway building to Tanjong Pagar Market without realizing. The rest of us were already laughing like mad behind her.. after Bron casually asked me ‘Dar, is this the latest trend now?’ pointing to her one-sandals-and-one-high-heeled-shoe combination. I nearly flipped, and once we started laughing we really couldn’t stop! I had to gasp for breath and pray that I don’t die of splits at the side.

Too many memories started to evoke, and the sharing got deeper by the night, guess the relaxed and causal atmosphere helped :) When we had to part in the late of the night, I really feel 舍不得. Even in the car, the conversation was non-stop. Everyone is just so hyper n excited to see each other again. I know, we can always meet up, but the busy schedule and travelling of one another has forced us to postpone outings time and again. Who knows… the next meeting might be another 3 months later? And loads of shite can happen within 3 months..

No more nonsense from myself.. I really treasure every moment like these~
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Fav moment
i simply luv this photo leh...

1. Definitely because my beloved frn got married
- then she had to look so delicious i can almost take a bite off her

2. We all have a talent in making funny faces and still look pretty~

3. It gives me hell of a warm & fuzzy feeling..
- you know how sometimes you look at some things and you will smile to yOurself secretly?
Or how you avoided looking at some things cos it brings back bad memories? Like that report card, ..Or stupid letters from your exes.

4. Some memories, can only be captured at that moment~
- there is not rewind and replay, pleassssseee?

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i simply love her :)
Its them again
I saw them all again yesterday.

Neh… the project superstars losers contestants who got kicked out before finals seated prettily in the audience section… just behind the judges so they get a chance to be camera-ed every time the judges speak.

I saw Leon, and my heart skipped a beat.

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Then I saw weichoong [he looks really gOod on-screen!], then I realized why I liked him so much...

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Cos they got X factor okayyy~


I drooled~
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Recouperated
I need to apologize.
I was such an emotional wreck [new term I learnt this week fr XX blog] 2 weeks ago.
Things were falling into millions of bits and pieces. I was sick. Very sick.
I ignore some smses and calls.. and my friends and family
Major PMS shite didn’t help either.. it just made me wander further and further into my own abyss. It felt good to hide in my own little created space.
It worked be like a vacuum, where time and space is stagnated.
While the world passes by. Without waiting for me. NB.
But, this isnt what im apologizing for.

Everyone needs to breakdown to renew that strength once again
Everyone needs that down wave to come up strong and steady again

I have found what I have lost. This world cannot stand happy people..
The devil is smart you know?
Constantly working his way round to sink us deep into self-created problems.
We ended up in shite all the time.

From 太陽之子:

天使與魔鬼同時出現在你左右過嗎?
心意與現實同時呈現反向的箭頭指標嗎?
面對過原則與人情必須作出抉擇時嗎?...
種種的對立出現時,你爭扎分析後的面對如何了呢?
你的人格還健全嗎?
你左右肩上站立的巨人還都在嗎?
~如果人格健全是否更成熟?
如果巨人還存在是否更有茁壯?

I apologized for probably being more nonchalant, and without so much care of the world.
Like how I used to think i should care 101% & always give my 200% & gotten hit so badly.. getting burnt all the time. Who did i think i was? Florence Nightingale?
Always biting off more than what i can chew.
Now i will saved my soul for the 70%... the 70% that really matters.

So, I wanna say sorry to the 31%.
I have decided to leave you behind.



p/s: niCe songs to share... waiting for you... & Dont phunk with my heart~
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Heng Xiang Ni
Someone is actually that free to compile and put this up on the web..
Just have this urge to share the various Superstars MP3s with you.

[Im sorry.. the stupid link doesnt seemed to work from the blog.. (prob the creator is trying to be smart so people doesnt claim credits? anyway, it doesnt concern me & i dont give a shite) You gotta click on this arite: http://www.savefile.com/projects.php?pid=628634]


I love the song ‘Heng Xiang Ni’ sang by Derrick Wei Jian when he was booted out of the finals. He sang it with so much feel, and gusto. Was hunting all over for it and it landed on my lap again :)

Folks, dont say i stingy never share latest news... & when its the latest news, you hv got it from where else but sunnysideup! [why do i feel like a CNN? huh huh... lame~ ]

M1 洪俊扬 Junyang
变调歌曲:《爱很简单》
西洋歌曲:《If you come back》
指定歌曲:《童话》

M2 陈伟联Kelvin
变调歌曲:《孤单北半球》
西洋歌曲:《Heaven Knows》
指定歌曲:《童话》

F1 潘嘉丽 Kelly
变调歌曲:《回家》
西洋歌曲:《What’s up》
指定歌曲:《遗失的美好》

F2 石欣卉 Xinhui
变调歌曲:《哭不出来》
西洋歌曲:《Beautiful》
指定歌曲:《遗失的美好》

I guess the majority is screaming their hearts out for Kelly phoon?
Me? No preference.

I will still be able to sleep soundly no matter who lose.

p/s: if its Not the latest news, it simply means u hv read this blog late, got it? ;p
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
secret recipe
She finally mustered up enough breathe in her to venture outdoor for 2 hours. They sat by a nice café, she thought she would have admitted defeat by the end of the first hour. Her body was still weak you see.. but heaven was kind, the lovely sun, with its warmth penetrating through the giantic dropped down glass windows facing the main road helped a great deal. She didn’t feel the usual shivers. The Camomile tea soothed and she managed to nibble at half of the huge chuck of Mango Delight.

She was almost resting her chin on the table as her hands cupped her mug of hot tea, seemed resigned at life.. Looking at the rising steam intently, she blurted, ‘I feel .. that I have a lot of frustrations within me… Frustrations that I cannot identify at times. Frustrations at my life…the people, the things, its like a vaccum sucking me in…’ That far away looked in her eyes must have scare friend abit.

Friend reached towards her arm and patted.. ‘Don’t worry, the frustrations are only temporary, they cant control you’. She sighed heavily and whispered, ‘but they have been around me for the longest time..’ I sometimes feel like giving up.. you know?

The sun highlighted her hair ever so gently. She tried to give friend a feeble smile, it was great to have someone around, just to listen. That afternoon, the dancing sunlight made everything seemed alright again.

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Monday, August 08, 2005
the keys

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.



What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
08.08.05
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today i went out for a short walk.. just to catch some fresh air
i took some days off work here and there..
cos i was too sick
nothing could alleviate those suffering moments
i saw people who genuinely cared and people who dont give a shit
i was too weak to be bothered
and i happily took the blame
i have never been happier

visited Ad at his new shop.. :)
would love to dwell longer and talked more but the crowd at junction 8 was getting to my head
though the rental seemed abit hefty but im really happy for him
The actualization of realising our dreams is important
carpe de mien... isnt that what they say?
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Make-believed
Some things are really driving me crazy...
Like when I stayed in doors it is so freaking humid till I wanna cry
Like I am sweating all over again after just stepping out of the shower
Like I cant breathe properly when im outdoors
Like Im having fever, sore throat then fever, sore throat all over again
Like I saw the tall trees not moving even a millimeter
Like this guy wiping his sweat off his brow with a hanky though no sun was in sight
Like the sky turned so dark this morning;
I dunno where has the sun gone to; and I dunno if it is day or night.
I came to a conclusion...
The trees are fake
The grass is fake
The clouds are fake
They want to make-believe that I will not get well again
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Noel peeps gathering
Saturday had a good leisure drive down to Changi, it was near Changi village for noel peeps gathering organized by soo (nearly lost my freaking way but the usual can-react-immed-on-alert-mode me swerve into the correct lane just almost missing a Nissan Cefiro by an inch!). It happened to be his birthday too.. heh.. 27 liao right? Still wanna bluff people that he is under 25 in his blog. I despise you!

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Noticed that my hair is jet black with a fringe now? well.. everything is back to the basic for me. Hair, clothes, accessories, the way i carry myself.. Jet black hair makes me fairer i think, many friends commented that i seemed to turn fairer after my high fever.. haa, but they didnt know the secret of having jet black hair.

okayyy... where was i?

We went to Barks beer garden (near Changi Prison, how exciting!) to have a simple dinner and cake cutting ceremony.. most of us were there and Ryan also came down which was a surprised! It was good to see everyone and as usual im not too close with the new people but they are good sport and maid was her usual cranky self, making a fool of herself by complaining about the blading incident earlier. While some had to leave earlier.. the rest of of us headed back to the Hotel. I cant imagine 5 person cramming into the back of my dad’s car.. and the ride was quite far too. I didn’t try anything mean like swerving hard during corner that would hv sent them flying on top of one another.. *chuckles

We went to visit the infamous ‘toilet’ in the hotel room as described by Soo. Ok la.. though can see through but he got nothing to lose what, he is a guy! Soon, we decided to explore the area & we headed down to Changi beach [to feed mosquitoes] I tried to start a spew of ghost stories but was interrupted by Zol who had a faint heart. [sorray.. though I really cant connect zol with a faint heart ;p]

I nearly got the shocked of my life when soo mentioned publicly that I hv a blog. And he commented that I can give my address to others, how can?? I think I just blogged about my opinions about someone’s blog not long before I remember.. not anything bad about her but just wanna have the freedom of speech here.. ok soo! Pls be more alert la. Make me so difficult to come down the stage on the spot. *chuckles

This weekend will be another gathering with my ex Mediacorp colleagues. Looking so forward to another round of catching up session.
Oh.. hope I get better by then.
Taking things easy…
darn
Have you ever had the feeling of sick of being sick?
Once in a while, it’s good to be sick cos the body needs to detox.
But recently, im extremely fearful of having fever and cough, and sorethroat.
It attacked me again yesterday night
Fever...
stUpid queasy feeling in my stomach
and throat is freaking parched till even if i dont stick a finger in
i also feel like vomitting
All these just after I have recovered from high fever 2 weeks ago
My morale immediately went hay wire
What’s wrong with me?
I pleaded with God
Take me out of this misery
Please.

The weather is extremely erratic
I need to take it easy.. easy..
Monday, August 01, 2005
sOul baring
to:yi,

harlo,haha..me just came back from a function.Had coffee with the SOM(Sales Op Manager) of Canon S"pore.Nothing much..dun think i am keen to work for him.Many reasons..etc.But still keeping my options open.Maybe i am still half hearted and perhaps i still wanna work in the banking industry...dunno..kinda confuse now..but will update u.

after coffee.. my frd called me to join him at a function at Marina South..free buffet etc..its a joint function hosted by Translink.(one of the big firms in the exhibition industry.Well after much persuasion i went with him.Ok la..met some pple from their industry..exhibition and events who and who..etc.Buffet not too bad(or perhaps i was hungry!hahha)

last night kelly(F5) got thru to the superstars round..hahah.so happy..hahah.
i didnt know my mum also watch it.She went into her room and i ask her,"u sleeping ardly?"she said,"no la goin in to watch the results..which one u like?i said only kelly!hahahah

duno y..just got home feel kinda down..maybe because i rest too long..my mind tend to wander here..there..everywhere..so i just tot of emailing u..i understand myself..if i dun start work soon..i will go paranoid again..haha..financial strain is another thing..mind uncontrollable is what i am worried about...

listening to Wang Jie now..Yi Chang You Xi Yi Chang Mong...its still the best tunes when u feel "Chang Shang"..haha...i rem when i heard this song..i was like 13,14yrs old..and with my frds..took a bus with my guitar and went all the way to Punggol Jetty(at that time it was not accessible and modern like now)but it was very enjoyable..play guitar,sing song at the jetty..theres no one except me and my frds...simply beautiful..no worries whatsoever..just happy to be there...enjoy the cool breeze....look at the sea and stars..wow...

times have changed..time have passed...time flies..maybe aquarius love to look at the past..every song represents a certain passage in my life...it will bring back the memories...at times i just wish i am alone in another unfamiliar country..or place..maybe i need a short holiday...i dunno..but perhaps i just feel very suffocating here at times..but of cos there are important pple in my life here..family..frds..you..etc.Sigh..

u know something...keep it to yourself k.To be honest,i feel that i ve sinned..i feel like i am a sinner...when i meet u,i try to be cheerful..its not that i am faking it..but of cos i am happy to see u thats why i am happy too.But i try at all times to be cheerful..cos to me..i always ask myself..,"how many times can i meet u...every single chance i meet u..i will cherish it and ensure its a happy one.."-(i am ok..just feel like typing everything kept in me.I am ok)

at times at night i often take long drive...just sometime to be alone..re-organize abit.you see..many things in life can be re-organize..re-start..but certain things u cant.Ya..strictly cant."What u have lost..u can never have it back again"-This is always on my mind..be it someone u lost or things u have lost etc...its generally speaking..Thats why i learnt the very hard way of cherishing what i have..i am not perfect but at times i cant control and things get outta hand..i lose all that i have...

pple or not so close frds come to know me and think that i am a very "rugged" person when it comes to dealing with disappointment etc..but they are all wrong...appearance and the real deal here is not quite the same..

in my life ..i contemplated about suicide once(u know?)..ya..just keep it to yourself...i made a huge U-turn.Regain my footing..gritting my teeth and carry on the march in life.it was not easy..at that time..i just tot of ending in all..once and for all..but my parents came to my mind..that basically held me back.(pls dun probe on this when u see me next time k?thanks)(ur someone close and i just feel comfy in letting u know)

hahaha....i feel so much better now...feel much much better.Just felt hard to breathe awhile ago..hey..thanks for reading.Dun wori i am ok..haha..its just one of those days that u know..when u feel down..etc.But i am good now..yup...feel much lighter now...hahahaha..

try to build up your health and drink lotsa water k.For me,i try not to puff so much.a healthy life is the most important.Thanks for reading.hahah..catch up with u soon aite?hahah..take care>>

ciaoz>>


>>> im touched. beyond words at the moment~
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