SeEking my Polaris

还是等待。。

last day of work in 2006, and i have been freaking busy.
finally was able to catch a breather at the end of day.
its has been a year of pruning.. especially in relationship.
a year of excitment and new found joy, especially in my mission trip.
a year of focusing on goals, especially in family salvation
a year of love, especially with God.
a year of wonderful surprises and disappointments. attributed to you.
and, the thing i like about myself is, i let myself go deeply
then i detached.

Try most things once, but dont get addicted.
2007, im already looking forward to what's install :)

raining night... cant sleep.

i guess my heart is twisted in a way.
i hate to leave, but i have to let go.

god.. let it rain non stop in my heart.
i want to get use to being alone again.

this last week of 2006, i want to live it right.
i want to live my life.

Dear friend,

i remember you lamentating about how you will not befriend alcohol again that fateful night when you had a terrible accident from too much to drink. you had a bad fall, deep cut and wounds all over your face. no one dared to imagine what would happen if you had fall onto the metal rods sticking out from the construction site.
no one knew and no one dared to imagine. you seemed suddenly awaken and you vowed you will not touch alcohol ever again. i listened, but wasnt too convinced. but i still prayed you learnt your lesson somehow? that its not worth while to throw your life away for a moment of folly.

After a couple months, you start to have the occasional drinks again. nah, it doesnt matter you said. you already know your limits. and you will not drink and drive again. After awhile more, you drank.. and you drove. You said you were sober enough to be controlling the wheels. dont worry for me. And last week.. you drank, and drank and drank.. you were so gone. Nothing can sober you up and you forget your love ones that are waiting for you to come home to them. They waited and waited.. & for every broken promises that you have made, i swallowed them, together with my pride.

Everytime you tell me not to worry.. you dunno how worried I am for you.
I have given up waiting. And to the others who are willing to wait.. may they be stronger than me. that they are not hurt everytime like how you have hurt me.

No, I still do not judge you. But i want to give up feeling the insecurity, the disappointment and hurt. Every lies that you have spoken, i now return them back to you.

Gotta buy gifts, wrap them, write cards.. another round of last minute rush again. & to be frank, I'm not exactly the best wrapper on earth. Or shall i say, i'm one of the wOrst ;p I remember always telling myself to buy pressies early for Christmas, in the end, its always a mad rush. A mad mad rush.

Friday’s coy dinner @ Turf club was a lot of fun! We were whisked into a VIP function room.. whereby we can see the live horse races from the Gallery view. Imagine rich tai tai & filthy loaded business man. Had a ball of a time, drinking free flow red wine and the mood was relaxed. Colleague got quite drunk [shan’t mention names] and went into the bar to pretend to be a bar tender.. laugh until we flipped.

Then we proceed to second round at Thumpers. Crowded there, and I don’t really like that place as the dance floor is too small! Squeezy and small.. I can only dance on my 2cm by 2cm space.. haizz. Quite a fun night, should do this more often! But hey, why does the faces in the club look so stoned, some blank, and mostly, they looked meaningless. I still prefer life band @ Balaclava anytime. Unless I got khakis to dance whole night!! I can also assure you that, gals who got drunk and make a fool of themselves, is still, by my standard, so Uncool. But all is in the name of FUN! Chill :)

The talk at the lunch woke me up abit from my nonsense.
Maybe I wil start to be nice, not be so willful. Though im everything the horoscope said I am. Spiteful, stingy n very venomous when provoked.
How on earth did they see through us Scorpios so easily? Damn.

There a company dinner tonight, and shite I forgot my camera again.
But then again, the handsomest guy in our office not around also.
He is from Korea & believed me, he has six pacs under those tall n lean body.
Don’t ask me how I know. ;p

Been having dreams to visit south Korea, will it realize in 2007?
And when I surf those the flickr photos on South Korea.. I really fell in love with that place. Will language be a barrier? If I had a choice, I do want to settle down there for a while. Work, teach, anything that goes. Get in touch with a different culture, people, language. Marry a korean, but no kids lah.

I guess I suit a nomad’s life. This is my heart song. :)

My Baby Takumi!!
Takumi bcos it is made in Japan, & i like initial drift :)

Wheet… Linda has popped.. !!!
Waterbag burst at 4am on Sunday night;
admitted to SGH, then natural birth @ 4pm on monday 11 Dec 2006!
and it’s a Baby Gal, weighing 3.375kg, huge man!
Missed seeing her at the hospital though.. was nursing a sore eyes.
Merry Christmas in advance Baby Alexandra :)

Had a good dinner with my family at Bali Thai on monday night.
It was so impromptu at 5pm, that i just called my mum & round
everyone up for a nice meal. Mum deserved her break.
little nephew did alot of funny things that made everyone laughed.

Finally finished watching Goong..Princess Hours. Plus all the
NG scenes. My god, im amazed at their costumes + set up. Invested
quite a hefty sum i heard. And i love the way Shin hugged his princess,
many guys just pulled the gal into their arms, but he buried his head
deep into his princess's neck. erm... why did it sound abit kinky?
haa... anyway. its all another era, another time, another space.

Alot of shite happened at work today & got me a lil pissed.
Thanks for talking to me my friend, the lunch did cheer me up.
I need a blue sky holiday again.

A million thoughts raced across my mind.
Too many words left unspoken
I know.. im getting nowhere.
The whirlwind is dying down and now its time to pick up the shattered pieces
Of what’s left behind.
But where do I even start?
There is no life that I envy.
Not a single soul that I yearn to be.
Let me dissolve, like the lalang in the wind.

You always want your way.
And where does that leave us?

For 5 days a week, I allowed myself to be trapped for 9 hours.
A pact I reluctantly made to sell my time for. After the 9 hours, plus another 9 hours of doing the necessary stuff for humanz survival, I’m merely left with 5 hours.. that are sometimes not mine either.. I tried to pack the 5 precious hours with too many stuff, it was just never enough.

Hmm.. I wonder how I’m gonna survive another 30 years under this pact.
It looks absolutely daunting. But still I lapped up everything that the organization provides. Everything else that can soothe this imbalanced in my heart of not having control over my own time; my own life. I eagerly await the goodies they feed to us, the chained ones. They release specially yummy goodies this time of the year. And maybe next year, they will bring us to a foreign city, where we are unleashed for another 4 days to roam and forget about our chains for a while.

And that goody once a month is smiling alluringly once again. The organizations always win. Always. The chained ones.. can only plead in vain.

Insomnia striked again.
I know I can never bring her back.
But staring at her intently in the photo, I could almost hear her voice again.
Ah ma, how have you been? Is it cold out there?
Dinner is never the same again without your laughter at our silly jokes.
Daddy never laugh very much after you are gone.
Life, seemed to lack something now
though everyone has moved on with the daily demands of life.
Not by choice, but reality bites.

I don’t want to imagine that she has vanished into thin air.
I don’t know why on this night, the tugging at the heart is so very strong.
Maybe I want to talk to her about my choices, and the advises she gave rang in my head. I want to hear those advices from her mouth again. Be genuine. Be loyal.
Those solid words of gold I cant forget.
In the madness of the night, my heart continues to ache for the presence of her.
3 years.. and its never enough to keep my love for you at bay.

Treasure the ones you have. Speak the words you want.
Don’t let the moment go by.

So many things to do; so little time. sOMe quick updates incase my memory fail me again. Yes this is my blog & it serves as my memories!

Friday – went fine dining at OSO restaurant. Its quite a good experience, and frankly the food is solid good! We had cold cuts + our main. But they also served us like a small forkful of appetizer + 3 types of bread. The other fine dining time I tried before was at Westin [now Swiss’otel], and believed it or not, My Humble House [Chinese Fine Dining]. I totally appreciate how they served small portions but there were many dishes and I declare myself to be very full after the meal. Yupz, told you I’m a small eater!

Visited Scarlett Hotel’s Breeze roof top for a drink. Wanted scenic seats but all those were designated for smoking areas. Com’on, I feel so discriminized. The night was casual and took lotsa stupid photos to entertain ourselves.

Sat – went to have tea break at this Hong Kong Tea House at Marina Square [where I ordered chicken chop! Siao bo]. Then we also shared the mango ice which was fabulous! Must try! The décor is surprisingly very cheena [with the Bin Ma Yong] and poet’s drawing on the walls. But the lightings were vibrant and seats were comfy. After some not serious shopping, we went to Oilo Dome at Suntec to chill out with tea n drinks n cake. We sang birthday in advance for birthday gal. I received an unexpected birthday pressie! Haha it’s a nice mini handbag in funky green, very shu nu [demure]. Then off to vivo city for a drink! Ended the night with supper at Crystal Jade. Went to bed with a full stomach, and happy heart.

Recently, I’m pretty happy again. I got my snow globe!! Sweet~
November is the greatest month!
I havent stop counting the blessings yet..